"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown