"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey