"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx