"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry