"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels