"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah