"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr