"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.