"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'