“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld