"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar