"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer