“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard