"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford