"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard