"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason