"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown