"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol