“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin