"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley