"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben