“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley