“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi