"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball