"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie