“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore