"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown