"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann