My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.