It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
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