"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.