My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.