When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
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