Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
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