I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Go to BabaMail
