Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!

- Denise Rodgers

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.