There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

You know what they say? Words.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

"Sweet Misery"

When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!

— Susanna Rose

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn