Kill

The Hillbilly and the Whistles
The Hillbilly and the Whistles A man who had spent his whole life in the countryside visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the hillbilly, "Why'd you ruin my good kettle?" "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
How do you kill a Blonde? Put a Scratch 'n Sniff at the bottom of a pool.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
The Psycho's Snake
The Psycho's Snake A zoologist, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you." The zoologist approaches the snake carefully, then, using his knowledge, tries to grab the back of the snake's head. But the snake was quicker, and his hand got bit before it got 2 centimeters from the snake. He falls dead almost instantly. The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake from being uncomfortable, and holds it. The snake bites him, and he falls over dead. The politician is last up, he just mutters ‘screw it’ and holds the snake. To his amazement, the snake stays still, it doesn't bite him. He holds it for a full ten minutes and is set free.  After he leaves, the psycho looks at the snake and says "why didn't you kill that last one?" "Professional courtesy." Murmured the Snake. 
If trees could kill you, they wood.
How the Army Secures a Building
How the Army Secures a Building The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
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