“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.