You know what they say? Words.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Knock knock.
Come in.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.