Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Knock knock.
Come in.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
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