Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
You know what they say? Words.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
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