Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
You know what they say? Words.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
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