What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Knock knock.
Come in.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
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