Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
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