A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
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