How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
You know what they say? Words.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”