A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
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