How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
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