What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
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