Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
You know what they say? Words.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
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