"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller