"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel