"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen