"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno