"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein