"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers