“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”