"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker