“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle