"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers