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glaucoma disease Jokes

glaucoma disease Jokes and more.
Airport Puns
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Funny Health Quotes
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
Band Puns
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
The Weird Interview
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. This “TRUE” interview went as follows: The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?” The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?” Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?” Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?” Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?” THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.
Blonde Jokes
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Unicorn Puns
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
A Couple of Canaries
Once upon a time, there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!" The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!" So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was too forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first?" To which she replied again, "No, thanks!" Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?" This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."
Ancient Greek Monster Puns
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Bat Puns
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Greece Puns
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Phone Number Pick Up Lines
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
The Most Important Thing in Life
It was the retirement dinner for Tim Simmons. He’d lived a long life. When he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten diseases. With the little money he earned from his hard work he immediately donated it back into relief funds for all the places he’d visited. His coworkers all loved him, ask anyone and they all say he was the most positive and bright man they’d ever met. This is why it came as no surprise that during his retirement dinner, an angel descended from heaven to speak with him. “You have lived a giving life, one that many could look up too and many relied on to survive. Because of this, we would like to give you a gift- a long and healthy life, all the wealth you could imagine, or unparalleled wisdom.” Tim debates between longevity and wisdom for half a breath but very quickly decides he wants unparalleled wisdom. The angel reaches down, touches his forehead, and leaves without another word. The guests at the dinner, still in a partial state of shock, stare in silence at the slack jawed man. Eventually, his coworker and closest friend speaks up, “Well? How is it?” The room was silent for a few seconds while Tim mulled over the question. “I should’ve chosen the bloody money.” He said.
France Puns
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Yeti/ Bigfoot Puns
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Strawberry Puns
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
One Liners and Short Jokes
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
The Pharmacy List
Jack, 92, and Gill, 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "I am." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, and antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.. why-" Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "yea, but why-" Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure. But WHY?" "We'd like to use this store for our wedding registry."
Golf Puns
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Hug Puns
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
The Chinese Doctor
While in China, an American single man acts promiscuous and does not use protection the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his... swimsuit area... covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it." The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?" The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate." "Wait... WHAT?!" The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.” The man shops around, going to many doctors and experts, but they all tell him the same, they must remove the organ. At some point a friend tells him, "You contracted this in China right? Then why not go to a CHINESE doctor?" The man, having not thought of that, seeks out a Chinese doctor in the hopes he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines the problematic area and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my organ!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American docttahs, always want operate, make more money that way. No need to amputate!" "Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. "Yes yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."
Corona Virus Jokes
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
Owl Puns
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Italy Puns
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Puns
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue Jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Picking Up the Wife's Test Results
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Animal Pick Up Lines
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
Jokes For Women
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Bone Puns
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Lemon Puns
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Quotes
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
The Doctor's Plants
Two doctors, Dean and Gable, are treating a man with lung disease. They’re explaining how his smoking weed has led to his condition worsening. “But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?” Dr. Jenkins sighed. “Nature isn't all innocent. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just 5 minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!” The man seemed to accept that, and promised to stop his smoking. After he left, the doctors went to lunch. As they were sitting down to eat, Dr. Smith asked, “Oh by the way, what IS that plant that kills you if you sit under it?” “A water lily."
Mother Puns
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Anti Jokes
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Toxic Pick Up Lines
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
Bacon Puns
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.