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blonde vs lawyer Jokes

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Cowboy Jokes

Puns

IT vs. Management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in IT," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Blonde Jokes

Blonde on a Galloping Steed

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blond decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow. Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing. Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on. The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blond finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away. She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden... Frank, the Walmart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

Man vs. Ape

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape. Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump around saying "ooooh oooh oooh" and so did the ape. Stopping to think about what to do next, Bob scratched his chin, as he was thinking. Before he could even react, the ape pulled the bars of his cage apart, jumped the moat, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of him. A few weeks later, Bob comes to in a hospital room, in full traction. When they realized that he was awake, the staff brought a man into his room, and left the two of them alone. "Mr. Smith, my name is Albert. I am the zookeeper and I want to see if we can figure out what happened before you were attacked." "I....don't know. I was looking at the ape, and noticed he was mimicking my movements." "I need to know exactly what you did." "Well, when I first noticed it, I was scratching my head. When I noticed he was scratching his head, I started to play around, and I started to scratch my underarms and make oooh sounds." "OK, then what happened?" "Well, I was trying to think of something else to do, and I think I scratched my chin, which is the last thing I remember." "You scratched you chin??? Oh that explains everything! You see, in Ape, that means 'Screw you!'. Thank Goodness, because if the attack was unprovoked, we'd have to put him down." So the zookeeper left Bob to sit in traction for another six months, and if you've ever been in a cast, you can only imagine the misery of six months of not being able to move, shit or pee, or even get to that one itch, without someone else's help. It wears on a man. So Bob spent all that time coming up with a plan to get his revenge on that darned ape. He's finally released from the hospital, and makes his first trip to the local butcher, where he buys a giant polish sausage, and a pair of nice new butcher knives. He then goes straight to the zoo, and marches up to the ape cage, where he is soon standing face to face with his attacker. "Remember me?" He asked as he got the apes attention, and saw that he was once again mimicking him. He smiled and reached into his bag, and tossed a butcher knife into the apes cage. When the ape picked it up, Bob got his attention, by holding his own knife high, while he reached into his pants, and pulled the polish sausage out through the fly. Just as he expected, the ape mimicked him, holding his knife high, and his genitals in his other hand. Seeing this, Bob sliced down with his big butcher knife, cleanly cutting the polish sausage in half. Seeing the sausage laying on the ground, he looked up smugly to see how much pain the poor dumb ape must be in right now... when he saw him standing there, scratching his chin.

Bed Puns

The Bodybuilder and the Blonde

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'. They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!" He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!" He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants. She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"

The Blondes Who Locked Their Car

Two blonds drive to the local mall to do some shopping. When they come back to their vehicle, they find they they had locked their keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches. Finally the first blond says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying! It looks like it is going to rain and the top is down!"

An Overweight Blonde Visits a Doctor...

A blonde became terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" The doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." "No, from skipping everywhere."

Lawyers vs. Doctor

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

How to Turn a Nice Profit

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks the blonde if she wants to play a game, "All you have to do is ask a question and if I get it wrong or don't know, I'll give you five dollars, then I ask you a question and if you get it wrong you pay me five dollars." "No," she says. "I just want to sleep." He keeps asking and she finally gives in when he says he will pay her 500 dollars, but she still only has to pay five dollars. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" he asks. She gives him 5 dollars. "What goes up the hill with four legs and comes down with five?" she asks. He pulls out his laptop and searches it, but finds nothing. Then he emails his friends. After an hour, he still hasn't got an answer, he hands her 500 dollars. Then he asks her: "So what is the answer?" She hands him 5 dollars.

The Blond Detective

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad - the new blond recruit, wants the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Chad, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. perhaps he has a creative mind. "Now Chad, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "Hey Chad! How was it?" "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Peach Puns

A Blonde at the Cinema

I went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.” By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘Turn Off Your Phone’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

Medieval Puns

The Blond Bank Robber and the Three Stalls

Three bank robbers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. Are trying to evade the police when they come across a farm. Being short on time and options, they all decide to hide in the barn. The redhead hides near the horses, the brunette hides near the cows and the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes. When the police come to search the barn, first they come to the horse stables. The redhead lets out a hefty "neeeyyyy", the cops are convinced that the horses are indeed alone, and the redhead escapes. The police then search the cow pens. The brunette saw what the first robber had done, and belts out a deep "mooooo". The cops are again convinced and the brunette is able to escape. The police finally turn to the stall where the Blond has hidden. The blond, seeing how easily the other two had gotten away, decides to use the same method. So as the police officers came close they suddenly hear: "Potato!"

Horse Puns

A Blond Calls 911

A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

A Blonde Interview

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" He asks. The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 25!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Blonde, Brunette & Redhead Escape From Prison

One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail. One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead. They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in. When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory. They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door. They looked at the sacks and said: 'Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.' The officer kicks the red-head's sack and she makes whimpering noises. 'Hmm just puppies in that sack' The officer kicks the brunette's sack and she makes mewing noises. 'Hmm just kittens in that sack' He says. He finally kicks the blonde's sack and she screams: 'POTATOES! POTATOES!'

Tea Puns

A Hot Blonde Gets Pulled Over

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher, a smile in his voice So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."

The Generous Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer continues, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to YOU??"

Chemistry Puns

Anti Jokes

Two Blondes and a Car

Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?" The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in." The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?" The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger." The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

Two Blondes Are Better Than One

Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car. When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could attempt to open the door herself. She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

A Blond and Her Car

A blond lived with two blond room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over. When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents. A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”. “You dummy” one of her blond roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“

Divorce Puns

Ice Cream Puns

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed and I am too embarrassed to seek help.” A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.” A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work. The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you so I hope you are doing okay.” The other guy says, “things are great, the bartender helped me.” Psychiatrist, “the bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?” The other guy says, “he told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

The Big City Lawyer and the Prize Bull

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."

Blonde On Blonde Crime

A blond was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blond and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blond policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blond cop said, "You dummy, it's got your photo on it!" The blond driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license!" and handed it to the blond policewoman. The blond cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. Also, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

The Lawyer and the Grass-Eaters

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men: "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children! "Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

The New Blonde Stewardess

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms. The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!" “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Jokes For Women

A Blonde in Louisiana

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Funny Health Quotes

Crocodile Puns

An Irate Blonde

A young blond woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up! you’re next!”

The Rabbi, Holy Man and the Lawyer

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood... The pig and the cow.

Pilot vs. Pilot

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Impressive?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, do you have to say now?" "What did you do?" Asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn't see anything impressive." The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made plans for a date with a stewardess tonight. Impressive?"

Theater Puns

God's Conversation With a Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy and am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blone jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."

Blondes Put to the Test

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers: "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE. Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated by this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it - it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

Pessimist vs. Optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.” Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist climbed to the top of the pile, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands. “What are you doing?” the baffled psychiatrist asked. The little boy replied, “With all this manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!”

A Blonde on a Train

The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" "Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseated from sitting backward on the train." "Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" "I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, step-stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

Monster Puns

One Liners and Short Jokes

Funny Marriage Quotes

Flight Puns

Stop, You're Blonde

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine." the blond chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blond began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am?", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Blonde vs. Lawyer

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted. The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?" Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

A Blond Changes Hair Color

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" queried the woman. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

One Liners for Kids

Russia vs. USA Wrestling

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk."

Blond Jokes

Three Questions For Three Blondes

Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate. Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going." Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first." The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first." Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?" The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents." Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong." Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up. The second blonde steps up. Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you." Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry." The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde. The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?" The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone." Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?" The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"

A Blonde By Any Other Name

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that TV." The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes." So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that TV." Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes." So she left again and came back with a hat, a fake nose and with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that TV." But the salesman still said: "sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How do you keep guessing I'm a blonde?!" she asked. "Because that's a microwave."

Top 10 Blonde Inventions

No one can say blondes haven't done their share of inventing. Here are 10 ingenious blonde inventions: 1. The water-proof towel. 2. Solar powered flashlight. 3. Submarine screen door. 4. A book on how to read. 5. Inflatable dart board. 6. A dictionary index. 7. Ejector seat in a helicopter. 8. Powdered water. 9.Pedal-powered wheel chair. 10. Water-proof tea bag

A Blond Takes Up Painting

A blond wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "$50" she replies. The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it" A short time later the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked. "Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats." Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a porch. It's a Lexus."

Nuts Puns

Food puns

Orange Puns

The Blonde and Her Melons

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along. The guy asks, "What are you carrying?" "Melons," the blonde replies. "Cool," the guy says."If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?" The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them!"

Chocolate Puns

Writing in Blonde

It was 1855 and two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch after their folks pass away. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the local bank from taking their ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll send you a telegram to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde, she’ll read it out slowly."

Revenge of the Blonde

A blonde woman was sick and tired of all the unfair jokes about blondes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Texas?" "T!" she answered.

It's So Cold.... One Liners

The Blond Gambler

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin. "I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!" The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement. She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears. The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?" "I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..." Conclusions: 1. Not every gamble relies on luck. 2. Not all blondes are stupid. 3. But men - are always MEN!

Is It Because I'm Blond?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Ah, yes, very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No dear, it's because you're 24."

Running Puns

A Trustworthy Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. Excited at her runaway success, she began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty..." Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." Bowled over by the apparent honor of the applicant she exclaimed: "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted: "He sued me for the money."

A Blond Redneck Finds a Lamp

A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie emerges. The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.' A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

The Blond Painter

A Blond man is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed, his boss asks what the problem was. The Blond replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

The Blonde Hunters

Two blondes decided to go on a hunting trip to see what it's all about. After a few days camping, they finally bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about a mile left to reach the truck." Another hunter happened upon them then, saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won't stick in the mud." So the blondes give it try and it worked! The first blonde says, "That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier." The second blonde says, "Sure was, but now we're two miles from the truck."

The Blondes, The Brunettes and the Tour Bus

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

The Blonde Model and the Co-Pilot

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy. The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy. Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.” The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."

Blonde Is What Blonde Does

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”

A Blonde Goes to a Salon

A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut. She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones. The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair. After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones. The blonde immediately fell on the floor, flopped and died. Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying: "breathe in, breathe out."

Fishing Puns

Blonds Don't Make the Best Helpers

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” “How about 50 dollars?” said the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the 50 dollars. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porsche; it’s a Ferrari!”

The Stingy Lawyer & the Pillowcases

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove the saying about money, “you can't take it with you", wrong. After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then, he directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab the bags when he was ascending to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

The Blond Flight Attendant

An airline captain was helping a new blond flight attendant prepare for his first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new attendant was missing. He knew which room he was in at the hotel and so he called him up wondering what happened to him. He answered the phone in distress, and said he couldn't get out of his room! "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" "There are only three doors in here," the man groaned, "one leads to the bathroom, one leads to the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A Blonde at the Doctor's

A blonde woman came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. “There you go," said the nurse as she handed her a urine cup. “The bathroom is over there on your left. The doctor will see you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom. She hands an empty container back to the nurse. With a relieved look on her face she says: "Thank you! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

Chess Puns

A Lawyer's Priorities...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed. Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY BMW'S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed. "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked. "HA!" the policeman replied. "You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: "MY ROLEX!!"

The Lawyer, the Friend and the 2 Bears

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"