“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”