"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry