"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous