“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma