“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.