“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.