"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby