“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.