"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.