“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.