“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck