“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.