"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous