“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes