“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates