“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno