"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge