"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman