“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet