“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder