“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull