“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan