“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock