“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee