"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama