“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor