“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe