“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand