"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.