"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May