"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant