"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope