"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney