"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.