I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen