"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle