"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein