"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling