"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown