"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.