"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar