"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown