"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."